ReFLEXion: FEARS

Confession: maybe three people genuinely know me. It’s my greatest fear — to open up. (My body literally shuts off around people)

This makes me sad.

I’ve let my past determine my present and alter my future for too long. Being told I was evil, the devil, weird, socially awkward, different ext my entire childhood made me believe those things for so long. God gave me the strength to overcome those things so it’s time I honor Him by showing the world I don’t believe those things. 

In 2017 I am making a conscious effort to show my true self despite my past rejection. After all, my childhood rejection from siblings and peers were just the circumstances in my life I had to face and overcome. I am greatly appreciative for them. They molded me into the writer and adult I am today.

I’m making this confession on here as a declaration to be more open on my page and blog. In order to grow professionally, I need to make the effort. I love everyone but my actions to not speak this. I need to actively love you all! I hope you all understand how hard this is for me and encourage me through this barrier of fear.

We all have fears and I would love nothing more than to push through them together. I encourage you to tell me your biggest fear and let the act of courage break the ice wall that has been holding you back!

May this coming new year bring many positive changes in all your lives! Sending peace and love to you all!

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A Present State-of-Mind: The fine line between Strength and Weakness

Nothing gives me insight more than not finding time to write down my thoughts. They get so jammed up; I feel like I will explode! At the first chance, it comes pouring out. .

. .I am one big walking fortune cookie. I have this wisdom and foresight, most of the time, I have to clue what to do with. I tend to put people off when I speak. It’s like a different language to most; and, for some reason, I can’t shut it off.

I function like an alien. I tend to think with my eyes in a virtual reality of the ideal. When I see a problem as it stands, I am designed to search for a solution.

My perception is insulting to the natural manner of most. Some tend to think I am correcting their behavior. I am learning to only give my input if asked; but, it seems unfair. I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP! 😛

Nothing makes me question my purpose/existence more than being surrounded by those who don’t understand me, who question my motives, or who need an explanation for my reasoning. After constant explaining, with little to no approval, it starts to eat away my confidence. Confidence that I, so patiently, built my foundation on.

If I’m surrounded by those who can’t accept or don’t understand how I am, I feel trapped in a life of seclusion and consuming fear of rejection. I put a great effort in fitting in; but, it just seems to kink up my insides. A problem easily fixed by support of others; but, if the people who surround my daily life seem to lack the capability to support me, my purpose and existence break down with my foundation.

For those who take these things out of context or see my words as judgment and ridicule, my “solutions” can be weary and draining. Therefore, soar straight over their heads — a classic case of misunderstanding. Motivation, positivity, and encouragement can only be empowering to those who seek it to be.

It has been a reoccurring issue in my life and I am starting to wonder if it’s because I have issues that personally need to be ironed out. What better way to adjust my focal point than to be in a room full of people who have a different view on life. Standing in a bubble of isolation forces me to analyze the reasons I was put there in the first place.

The Deepest Pain

The deepest pain is the unnatural — pain from problems of man. Problems of a selfish and lonely man — Lost and desperate. He tried to get rid of the pain; but, despite his effort, inflicted more into this world.

How can such a man exist? Are there no reasonable options? Were there none to hear the whispers? So far from life he had to shout to be heard? So many questions. None of which matter. The only thing, at the moment, that shall resonate with me is the imbalance of it all.

Unnatural and painful is this tragedy. The tragedy of a man, lost. Choosing violence as his way out, opened fire in a dark theatre. An intimate and cozy moment between lovers torn a million ways. Pieces of soul and mind split apart by the shock of it all. Like a View Master Reel, first, an image of ordinary content. Then click, flashes and her limp body in his helpless hands.

Death does not inspire me with words but fill blank spaces with questions and confusion that can never be understood. Only God can show its meaning….in time.

HAPPY SUNDAY: My God will meet all our needs. . .1Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. 1Philippians 4:19

Two years ago, upon graduating college, my life came to a halt. My college life contained fragments of separate lives (part-time jobs, projects, friends from classes and work and college groups, activities, sports functions) all rolled into one consistently fast-paced and ever-changing evolution of life. But, after graduating, I found myself looped in drawn out days — unfocused and panic-filled — wondering, by now, if I should have a clue as to where my life was heading.

A few months after graduating, I was staring ahead at a full life but could not see where it was heading. I just started a 6-month training program for a full-time position at a reliable company. It wasn’t a dream job; but, after college, desperate for financial freedom, I found the first available job and held on to the idea that the job didn’t make the man. I needed money and once I had it, it would give me the independence and freedom I craved.

But just as I was about to settle down with the idea of settling, my husband and I found our family of two would soon be three. It was not planned and our financial goal did not factor in a child. My immediate instinct was to quit training and create a budget with one (his) income. But how could that be possible? So long, vacation in the mountains. Bye-bye cute maternity pictures and outfits.

It was such a scary idea, not to have a career, when my entire focus throughout college was to find what I was to do with my life. Thousands of dollars and 5 years later, I got the answer: a stay-at-home mom.

Never did I think, I was going to be penny-pinching and jobless. My dream was to be known, be a success, be someone admirable and accomplished, independent and sufficient. None of which I could see myself accomplishing without a job.

Those next few months of sitting and waiting snowballed into panicked anticipation. I started to second guess my decision as I watched our money dwindle down to almost nothing before our son was even born. Not to mention, I was becoming frazzled with the idea that my identity was wiped to nothing but “mother”. I was empty and felt lost. I didn’t understand why God wanted me to do this when my entire life was filled with dreams of places I wanted to see and people I wanted to become.

I continued to trust in God and my decision to do what was best for my family, instead of what was best for myself. I had no idea that this decision was what was best for myself. Months later, as a mother, I began to see my life transform. God changed me from the inside out and forced me to look at myself for who I was, not who I wanted to be.

Later, as an adult, my mother told me I had been prophesied over when I was a child as someone who would bring forth his word as a writer. Realizing, by going back to my roots, that writing is my calling I began to strategically plan my career. In doing so, I would be able to remain a stay-at-home mom. I started to see my life before me so clearly.

Since then, my husband has gotten an abundant amount of overtime and, in the mist of our economic slump, while seeing others lose their job or getting hours cut back, God has blessed us with a raise! We have remained debt-free and blessed with everything we’ve wanted or needed within reasonable means.

God has a plan for our lives before we understand it. I am so thankful I listened to him because I would have never found my path in the work force. I would have missed the opportunity to raise my amazing son, I would have missed the opportunity to find my true identity and I would have missed my opportunity for God to bless my family.

I can only imagine where He will take my family. I know one thing, I will listen to find out.

ReFLEXion: Living in the Moment

I have trouble seeing the moment sometimes. My weakness is letting myself run so far ahead that I get overwhelmed with all of my ideas and intentions instead of following them as they are supposed to be. My patience wears thin and I have a million daily impulses to just give up.

I either look to far ahead or too close. It’s hard to see the beauty in something when you are looking at the thin black lines that create its detail for so long. It’s nice to take a step back and observe from the eye of the onlooker. To objectively seek it’s purpose from a distance far enough to see the whole picture.

Fluctuating from these extremes, I learn to appreciate moments, even if it is hard for me to live in them.

I’M BACK! — Not that you noticed I was gone ;)

I left for vacation a week ago and thought I was going to be able to post. When I arrived, it was unfortunate, I could not get WiFi anywhere! I threw my hands up and decided to not worry about it. I had to find a way to just enjoy my vacation without any distractions. Easier said than done.

I’ve learned several things since starting this blog. It takes practice, persistence, and patience.

1. I am learning as I go. Being a perfectionist, I criticize my actions harsher than necessary. I am constantly reminding myself that this is a learning process. The longer I keep at it, the better I will become.

2. There will be times where I can’t put the amount of effort I want/need into my blog. My goal is to grow. I cannot expect to grow without persistence. But sometimes, it is hard to be steadily persistent. It was hard for me to relax on vacation when the fear of losing momentum was in the back of my mind.

3. Building readers, followers, and supporters takes patience. Looking closely sometimes can be discouraging. But I can’t let fear of failure or of the future prevent me from pursuing. I just need to step back every so often and look at the picture farther away.

I cannot express how excited I am to be back. Although, I am sure, to most of you, it was unnoticeable. But, it gave me time for reflection and reassured my reasons for picking up right where I left off — learning who I am. And, family time is just as important as reflection.

What doesn’t kill us…

…makes us stronger. But what’s the in-between?

Recently escaping the shackles of past traumas, I found myself quite curious about answers to why we are defined by our hard times. Why do our lowest points become the catalysts that help us reach our highest points?

Most of the time, when we ignore our potential, it’s because we lack the confidence to throw ourselves into the unknown. Minimal chance-takers focussed on blending in. We focus a lot of our energy analyzing our unhappy state but still lack the discipline to walk towards our destiny.

Just the day-to-day mind ping-pong can leave you bruised and bent. Adding traumatic events can completely knock you out of range on your psychological radar. You get thrown in an ocean of perplexed emotions. Once you go under, you forget which way is up and which is down. Your mind, body, and soul are separated and it takes time to find each other again. The ocean leaves you feeling disoriented and numb.

This confusion, for me, left a void in my life. I lacked the confidence to try anything. I saw myself as a hopeless victim bound to end some tragic way. I had intrusive thoughts of dying young. The mind can play tricks on you when separated from your soul.

Traumas are the initial “life endurance test.” If it doesn’t kill you on impact don’t get too comfortable — there might be some internal bleeding.

You still have a long road ahead. It takes time to process traumatic events especially when your mind is trying to repress them. Sometimes leaving yourself to deal with them much later in life.

When you repress your emotions you are telling your body to “hold back.” This is where you completely lose your momentum in life. You have no direction because you aren’t moving.

Traumas surface as pain and guilt, and eventually, turn into anger — a loaded gun ready to fire at the slightest motion.  You can easily slip into a depression as your way of coping — your body’s way of trying to repress the traumas again. But it doesn’t work that way. You continue to unravel until faced with the choice of life or death.

The in-between from this moment to the moment of empowerment is a grey area. It totally depends on you. You could let your traumas define and destroy the rest of your life by allowing yourself to spiral downhill or you can choose to overcome them. It’s how we process and deal with these traumas that determined how our lives are altered. The uncontrollable circumstances don’t define us. It’s how you respond to them.

I guess, for me, I could feel death’s presence so close I could taste it. I never felt worthy of living. Lies that had a hold on me for long enough. I looked within and realized my potential. I started to see my pain was my power. It was going to be the driving force keeping me moving toward my destiny.

Why blend in when you were made to stand out? Your uniqueness is the reason you are here on this Earth. The universe has ways to shake and roll us back to our true paths. Along the way you find yourself, in the middle of mud and mirror mazes, on a confusing path toward self-discovery. It’s the mud that gives you resistance and strength. And the mazes of mirrors that lead you to self-reflection — the mirrors that show you who you are and who you can become.