HAPPY SUNDAY: My God will meet all our needs. . .1Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. 1Philippians 4:19

Two years ago, upon graduating college, my life came to a halt. My college life contained fragments of separate lives (part-time jobs, projects, friends from classes and work and college groups, activities, sports functions) all rolled into one consistently fast-paced and ever-changing evolution of life. But, after graduating, I found myself looped in drawn out days — unfocused and panic-filled — wondering, by now, if I should have a clue as to where my life was heading.

A few months after graduating, I was staring ahead at a full life but could not see where it was heading. I just started a 6-month training program for a full-time position at a reliable company. It wasn’t a dream job; but, after college, desperate for financial freedom, I found the first available job and held on to the idea that the job didn’t make the man. I needed money and once I had it, it would give me the independence and freedom I craved.

But just as I was about to settle down with the idea of settling, my husband and I found our family of two would soon be three. It was not planned and our financial goal did not factor in a child. My immediate instinct was to quit training and create a budget with one (his) income. But how could that be possible? So long, vacation in the mountains. Bye-bye cute maternity pictures and outfits.

It was such a scary idea, not to have a career, when my entire focus throughout college was to find what I was to do with my life. Thousands of dollars and 5 years later, I got the answer: a stay-at-home mom.

Never did I think, I was going to be penny-pinching and jobless. My dream was to be known, be a success, be someone admirable and accomplished, independent and sufficient. None of which I could see myself accomplishing without a job.

Those next few months of sitting and waiting snowballed into panicked anticipation. I started to second guess my decision as I watched our money dwindle down to almost nothing before our son was even born. Not to mention, I was becoming frazzled with the idea that my identity was wiped to nothing but “mother”. I was empty and felt lost. I didn’t understand why God wanted me to do this when my entire life was filled with dreams of places I wanted to see and people I wanted to become.

I continued to trust in God and my decision to do what was best for my family, instead of what was best for myself. I had no idea that this decision was what was best for myself. Months later, as a mother, I began to see my life transform. God changed me from the inside out and forced me to look at myself for who I was, not who I wanted to be.

Later, as an adult, my mother told me I had been prophesied over when I was a child as someone who would bring forth his word as a writer. Realizing, by going back to my roots, that writing is my calling I began to strategically plan my career. In doing so, I would be able to remain a stay-at-home mom. I started to see my life before me so clearly.

Since then, my husband has gotten an abundant amount of overtime and, in the mist of our economic slump, while seeing others lose their job or getting hours cut back, God has blessed us with a raise! We have remained debt-free and blessed with everything we’ve wanted or needed within reasonable means.

God has a plan for our lives before we understand it. I am so thankful I listened to him because I would have never found my path in the work force. I would have missed the opportunity to raise my amazing son, I would have missed the opportunity to find my true identity and I would have missed my opportunity for God to bless my family.

I can only imagine where He will take my family. I know one thing, I will listen to find out.

My Sweet Husband

You keep my feet on my toes

and my head in the clouds.

It’s hard to believe I’ve never known

what I couldn’t live without.

Dreams can carry me away

but you never hold me down.

Your always right beside me.

Your guitar and my crown.

Queen of whiskey bay.

You make it feel so easy.

A love I’ve never known —

like the wind, light and breezy.

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An Open Letter to MY Mother.

To my loving confidant, role model, mentor, teacher,                                                     To the person who cooked for me, prayed for me, bandaged my wounds,                 To the person who gave me independence, confidence, love, advice                          To the person who showed me values, priorities, morals,                                                To the amazing woman who showed me how to be an amazing woman,

I want to let you know what Motherhood means to me.

MOTHERHOOD IS A JOB. From the moment I was conceived I was surrounded by love and care. It wasn’t something I take for grated because it was a choice that you made. You chose to do the best job you could. You chose FAMILY as your job. It was to make a comfortable and healthy home. I was always content and protected — a security only parents can provide. A job that has no income and most of the time no appreciation. If done right, goes unnoticed.

MOTHERHOOD IS SACRIFICE. We were raised on one income. Through the financial sacrifice it showed us money can’t buy everything (not that having a job makes you any less of a mother.) You showed us the importance of family and love. The sacrifice goes beyond financial but also in lifestyle. You had to be self-less. You were responsible for the well-being of an innocent and helpless human —someone that did not choose it’s life but was given to you because of your choices. I depended on you for love, affection, and nurture. I depended on you to educate and guide me through the ways of the world. It’s a day in and day out sacrifice — one that never sleeps or takes a break. A lifetime devotion to something other than one’s self.

MOTHERHOOD IS MORE THAN BEING A MOM. I see it all the time. A mom putting herself before her kids. A mom having no connection with their child, even neglecting or abandoning them. They see their pregnancy and kid as a responsibility and burden instead of a blessing. I thank you for never making me feel unwanted or calling me negative names. I thank you for not treating me like a burden.

MOTHERHOOD THRIVES ON SILENT REWARDS. If done right confident and loving young men and woman are raised. And now your kids are parents and you get to see a piece of you shine through. You see the rewards of your sacrifices. You see the importance of your convictions and decisions that helped shape our childhood and ultimately gave us a higher quality of life.

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Now that I am an adult and a mother I see these things. Now, more than ever I see the importance of sacrifice and love for your family. There are moments everyday when I wish my family had more money to do things but we always come back to the agreement that family time is more important. It keeps us grounded. These views were taught by you and I’m thankful for these values.

Please know that I don’t take your sacrifices for grated. I know that I am blessed to have a mother that sacrificed a lot for her children. It did not go unnoticed. I thank God every day because I could have never reached my potential without the love and confidence you gave me to pursue my dreams.

I only hope my children feel this way. I want them to understand appreciation for something comes through sacrifices. I want them to understand that love and family are things that can never be taken away no matter what life throws at you. You make me want to be a mother like you.

You always told me if you did your job right one day it would be obsolete because then you know that you’ve raised independent and confident adults. But, mother, to me your job will never be obsolete. I will always need your wisdom and guidance. I will always need your love. Now that I am a parent, more than ever.

I will always love and appreciate you,

your thankful daughter

Celebrating My Child’s Life

I’m blessed to be able to celebrate such a special day for mothers. A time to appreciate a life changing moment for me— the first time I held my son. I reflect on the moment I saw his sweet face and instantly fell in love. I felt such an overwhelming sense of self-worth. The labor so intense but the reward indescribable. How could such a small soul fill such a huge void I never even knew existed in my life? I think about the amazing gift God gave me and how blessed I am to get to hold him every day.

This chaotic, unpredictable ride has thousands of things go wrong; I feel like a failure on a daily basis. Bodily fluids get on me and crusty food. He will fall or eat something off the floor as soon as I turn my head. I have NO privacy and sometimes no sleep. My hair is a mess; my house is a mess. I blame myself for silly uncontrollable things. I get so exhausted from other people poking their noses in my business and the constant advise. It’s impossible to please everyone despite my emotional craving to. It leaves me crazy sometimes. The emotional ups and downs. The physical exhaustion.

All of these things just make me appreciate him more. Despite these things, I find myself constantly finding humor in the craziness of the day; and finding the humor in its unpredictableness because it slams the brakes on my highly organized and planned out life I’d previously known prior to a child.

I know that no matter what he eats off the floor he still is being fed healthy meals and I know that if he gets a bump all he needs is mommy to kiss his bump. How precious are these moments. These are the reasons why I am changed. Why my void is filled. It allows me to see the innocence in life. I have someone completely dependent on me. He unconditionally loves me and I him. No one can replace the relationship between child and mother. I am his mother. I can never be replaced.

Would I Be Considered Equal If I Were A Stay-At-Home Mom WITH An Income?

Stay-at-home moms truly have the blessed life. But I can’t help but feel that when I am asked what I do and respond that I stay home with my son people look at me as if they don’t understand my response. I don’t think they are judging me negatively; I just feel people tend to view staying home not as helpful as another income would be for a family.

Being a stay-at-home mother is a choice. I believe in traditional roles in the sense of maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse and with your family. To make myself clear, I believe in the traditional roles of a woman not that women should be demoralized for being less-than the best simply because they are different but that each family member has a different but equal contribution. I believe that family is the most important thing in this world. To have a relationship with God, to love your family unconditionally and to have self-love. These are three of the most important things to have in this life. These are the reasons I choose to stay at home with my son. It’s important to me. It doesn’t have to be important to you. It’s important to me to devote my time in these things verses away to make money.

Now, to be a stay-at-home mother who makes an income would be a dream come true. I have deep admiration for those who can be a wife and mother full-time, and still able to provide an extra income (no matter how much) by doing something they enjoy or believe in so their family can do extra things they enjoy or believe in.

I try to harness my inspiration so I can use it to be here for my family both with time and experiences. I want to give them as much love and knowledge as I can, both with my writing and with my time. They are my muse. They are my reason to want the world to know my words.

My writing has been a passion of mine since I was young. It’s by far my strongest quality so I am trying to use it to benefit my life. For some, it may be something else. This day and age there are plenty of things that a stay-at-home mother is able and capable of doing. They are able to pursue things that were not even relevant just a few decades ago

Women weren’t even capable to try a few decades ago. I can say this because I am very proud of the women who have brought us this success by simply being women who finally were able to prove to the boys that its our differences that make us better because it is unexpected. And quickly were gained the respect that diminished almost all skepticism.

My creativity is my strongest quality and that is exactly why I love to write so much. It is a satisfying feeling to get the end result. To know that I created this for a reason. These words hold purpose, not just to me but to the people who might read my words and feel a connection with it. My goal is to give new ideas and ways of thinking and inspire a change. It’s never any harder than proclaiming things in their lives and deciding things will change.  I love this world and I just want to reach as many as I can so that I can touch their lives.

This may sound arrogant. I know that sometimes when something comes spilling out of the heart it sounds so absolute but it’s not me that is allowing myself to be able to write my thoughts down; it’s God. He gives me guidance; and my obedience gives me the rewards. He shows me the way to help myself, my family, and he will help me see the way to help millions. This is my dream and I breathe life to it by following my heart.

But to those who can feel my love and compassion through these words know that this world is complex and complicated. And it can be so much more complex and complicated if you feel alone, know that you aren’t alone. I want to help; because, I am a women and I am a human. I am here on this Earth with this only life. I want to better myself. I want to learn from my mistakes. I love my family and would love to take a leap of faith and put love before possessions. I am only trying to make a way for my family to expand our love for God, each other, themselves. and this world that surrounds us both in people that we share it with and in the nature that gives us life. I want every person that feels they want this too to really reflect about where their lives are going, who is leading it and how is with you through it.

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Static Pose

A framed family portrait sits on the dresser and collects dust. The glare of the sun burns her face off.  The faceless body poses next to the smiling husband; it stays on the dresser and never leaves.  It never moves from its phony static pose — just smiles and collects dust.

When the husband comes home it gets knocked over in a battle of strength, one of which she could never win.  She doesn’t even want to, doesn’t even try.  She submits herself to the beating, learned technique from many times before, so that maybe he’ll get bored. She just wants it to be over. It works and he leaves.

She lays there awhile. Then craws to the fallen frame and picks it up, wipes the tears off and puts it back on the dresser – glass cracked over her face.

 

 

“The worth of a man is his conviction — the piercing eyes of conviction.  The eyes that tell you he has a heart of a man. If there’s no conviction, then there is no heart. The strength stops at brute — an empty body with hollow eyes.”